My heart feels heavy. All the sadness is piling up inside of me and I need to get it out. I WANT to get it out.
Sometimes I wish I can just shut my brain off for a while and stop all the nasty thoughts from coming in and corrupting my mind. It's really stupid that I have think twice before I say anything sometimes, and then I would have to debate whether it's okay to tell that person about something. I think I have trust issues -.- and it makes me feel unnatural.
And then I sort of regretted not talking to them about it and I just go and sulk in the corner and sort it out myself, in a really emo way.
I hate being emo, it's so not me.
But I guess everyone will get emo once in a while. So it's normal, right?
I don't tell people about my feelings. I don't tell my mom, my friends, and even my cousin.Sometimes I just write it out on a paper. But paper ain't a living thing, it can't talk. It can't give advices. It can't give me a warm hug when I needed one.
So somehow I just stopped writing. And all my feelings and thoughts are all just kept in my heart.
But yeah I talk a lot when I'm online. So I just talked to my cousin when she reached home today and after like, countless times of trying to get me talk about things, I finally did it(though it wasn't everything). But I didn't do it in person, like face to face. I just couldn't.
I guess you can say I don't open up to people easily. I have to think a lot before I do it. And don't bother asking me why because I don't know answer. It just happens like, BAM.
Truth to be told, I really do mind about what people think about me. Unless I'm having real fun and I just don't feel like giving a damn about it. But yeah, I don't like it when people talk about it me behind my back. You might as well just kiss my ass while you're at it. I get really really pissed and sort of sad when it happens.
But, heh, I don't live to please people right? So I have to stop thinking so much about what people think about me. But how?
Switch my brain off?
That would be easy.
If there really is a switch....
Reality is cruel, no?
P.S: wow. A really emo post. Something I haven't done in quite a while.
P.P.S: I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm just blogging about what I'm feeling, since I can't talk to people about it. (See? I'm thinking too much again. GAWD.)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010,9/15/2010 01:19:00 AM |
is fun and indecent in the same way. It's practically just for lifeless people like me. And it's quite hard to find nice and funny people, while most of the time you see, uh, indecent things that I'm not suppose to see, and sometimes you meet racists, sluts, funny-looking people, and even old people. Like, really, REALLY old.
But yeah, it's fun if you do it with a friend or a cousin :)
Though I wouldn't recommend it to anyone under the age of, say 15?(actually, I should've said above 18) Unless you're really mature, and not dumb. You'll get bullied online if you are :l
Which kinda sucks.
Sorry for all the rambling. I'm just in my typing mood, where I type out everything in my mind. Kind of annoying, I know.
Yeahh we didn't really go out a lot, just stayed at home and omegle and took pictures and be a lazy bum blahblahblah. At least I am .-.
Wanted to go TimesSquare just to buy this one shirt and eat my favorite Crepe. But we had no transport, as usual. So yeah, mission failed.
And I was suppose to have this BBQ party last Saturday with form 3s but then a lot of people were busy and stuff 'cause it was Raya. So, mission failed again.
I was suppose to study too. But I felt lazy and I didn't want to do that kind of stuff when Andrea is here. I mean, c'mon, we don't get to see each other a lot okay? So. Mission failed.
I tried getting over him. But mission failed yet again.
I feel like a failure. And I feel lifeless.
I still miss him. I want to talk to him. I want to laugh with him. I want to hold him and never let go.
Every single time, when a friend is feeling down or crying, all I do is stand by them. Quiet. Digging deep into my mind for something encouraging to say, instead of just the usual "Don't cry, it's gonna be okay". Because I know I'm not the one going through all that, so I wouldn't understand how hard it is. Therefore, saying "it's gonna be okay" = not helping at all.
I really have no idea why I even signed up to join PRS.
'Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya'.
I'm not doing a good job at it. I don't know how to give good advise or whatsoever. And if I continue standing there and looking at my friends cry, i'd either cry along with them or get mad at myself for being so useless, which doesn't help at all.
P.S.S: Let's hope Leehom's movie can cheer me up tomorrow :)
Saturday, August 21, 2010,8/21/2010 01:01:00 AM |
NEW HAIRCUT! FINALLY!
Hahahha, wondering why I said 'finally'?
Because I've been thinking about it for over a week. Maybe more, I've forgotten. I went all "Should I cut or not?" with all my friends, and ALL of them gave me different answers. So I became the (annoyingly) indecisive me again.
I've made the decision since like, last Sunday. But I never had the time till today. So yeah, I'M FEELING AWESOME AND HAPPY :D
It makes me look like a doll when I put my hair down. I really like it :)
I would LOVE to take a photo now but that stupid camera is still dead. I should bury it already -.-
Oh, how're the trials going you ask?
Well, so far, I think I'm doing fine. Besides the fact that I am not confident in the usual subjects, Sejarah and Geografi (or maybe I should say I never bothered opening the book, let alone reading .-. I admit, I was feeling rather lazy and I had no motivation). I think I totally flunked it.
Tomorrow is the day I meet my enemy. The subject, Chinese.
Not to mention it being PAPER 2. I'm doomed. DOOMED, I SAY.
Stupid teacher. I really thought I could finally get rid of it. But when I was about to give her the money together with the letter saying I have my parents permission to drop the subject, she told me it was too late. WTH, A FEW DAYS AGO YOU TOLD ME I STILL HAVE A MONTH!
Even so, I stopped attending chinese classes and started attending LS. LMAO, I know. You may call it 'ponteng' or 'skipping classes'. As long as I don't have to listen to that bitch babble about in freaking chinese, I do not mind one bit.
CLICK TO ENLARGE, DUMMY :P
Actually I just don't know what's wrong with it. It IS suppose to enlarge when you click.)
OH and one more thing.
Just because I am totally into SE7EN right now, doesn't mean I am over with my beloved BIGBANG. Get that through your head, bitch.
Besides, SE7EN and BIGBANG are practically the same. They're senior and juniors. And I'm telling you this because i want you to be INFECTED BY MY LOVE FOR THEM :D So you would love them as much as I do and I wouldn't be the odd one between my friends anymore LMAO.
Gotta go now. You know, busy with studies. Wish me good luck with my enemy ;)
(This might be a really long post, so get ready ;) )
I feel bad for not updating, and then I feel even worse because everybody seems to be blogging about our dearest Jamie.
She left for Australia at 9 in the morning today );
OMG time flies like super fast. Last couple of weeks, when we had mid year holidays, we had a surprise party for Jamie. Well, it didn't work out as planned, but she was surprised (:
Jamie shocked to see so many people there instead of just Vivian and YeeLing.
Bex and I were late (*coughs*because we were busy doing our nails*coughs*) -.-
Just a lilsomething I did for Jamie. There wasn't enough space for everyone to sign their names because our names were too big .-.
A lot of people turned up that day, and it wasA BLAST! I had loads of fun, and I laughed till my jaw hurt.
One of theBEST pictures of the day :D Epic hair moment HEEEE!
We love Jamie :D I mean, what's not to like about her?
Now that's like, my signature pose o.O
I made a few new friends that day, and they are just really awesome people!
Went home pretty late with Adeline, about 7:30 PM :) She offered to give me a ride home, since we live so near to each other.
So that's it for Jamie's Not So Surprise Party.
But the fun didn't end there.
The following Saturday, 12th May, was Jamie's actual Farewell Party.
But too bad, there were only girls that showed up. It was like, a 'Girls Day Out'. But we still had loads of fun gossiping (; eating all we want anddd.....
...going up and down with the lift! Though it made me feel really sick and dizzy.
Jamie ready to pounce at Vivian just when the doors open.
A booklet Vivian made specially for Jamie (:
LOL! Yep, we did some pretty crazy stuff that day. But that's what happens when you mix all these awesome people together. You'll never get bored, and your jaw will hurt even more *nods* ;)
This really cute Hippo plush toy that Jamie owns. She calls it "Big Head Hippo".
The first time we saw it, we did this...
Yep. Everybody just looooovesss Big Head Hippo (:
We were like, "STOP!" *pose* "Okay, go!"
She Ee so lonely :/
I was the last to go home, yet again (:
Now, remembering the moments we had, I feel sort of regretful. Because I hadn't known Jamie for long enough. I've only known her for a few months, through facebook. But even so, every time we meet, it feels like I've already known her for years. It's not only me that says this, most of her friends did. I guess it's her special ability (: So wild and crazy, so easy to communicate with, so easy to make friends with. I loved every single moment being with her.
I already miss her like hell. I felt like going to her house, follow her to the airport, give her lots of hugs and kisses, cry together (LOL) and then see her leave. It's not the same if you just text or call her, it just isn't.
I cried a lot the couple of days. The tears didn't come last week, and then it came altogether now. They just won't stop! I've always been emotional, but never like THIS.
Oh wait, I did.
Yeah, when I was watching that show...what was it called again?
It was seriously touching ):
HAHAHAHA! But the point is, Jamie has changed part of me when she came into my life. She has taught me to not be so timid, and do whatever you want, laugh as hard as you want, be as crazy and wild as you want, and just let nothing stop you.
I've always known I have something unique inside me. Something different from others. But I don't know the way to express it. Maybe because I just think too much. I think too much about what other people might think.
And there is a reason to that. Might talk about it one day, but not now.
Back to Jamie (:
I'll just make things short 'cause I have to go soon.
JAMIE TAN SIEW WERN IS AN AWESOME GURL♥
WE LOVE YOU LOTS! AND YOU BET WE'LL MISS YA (:
Now I'mma go sulk and cry in my room );
P.S: Who wants to join me and create a teleporter so we could visit Jamie anytime we want (and also rob some shops for clothes (; )
P.P.S: Pictures taken from Facebook. And credits to Vivian War and Adeline Wong.
P.P.P.S: Claps! What a long post! :D
P.P.P.P.S: Jamie, you'll always be in my heart (: MUACKS! ♥
Cupcakes & ♥,
Sunday, June 27, 2010,6/27/2010 12:27:00 AM |
An indecisive and emotional girl who talks at the speed of a train and laughs ALL the time; a fashion zombie who goes around chanting "Shoeesssss..."; a diehard fan of Big Bang ♥ and all things pretty; dreams of taking pictures of the wonderful places around the world; has an absolute sweet tooth and craves for a camera, just so I can keep those precious moments in a picture and never forget. I ain't perfect but I'm unique, so live with it.